sarc.

Do the words Billy don’t be a hero mean anything to you?

1. The pool opened today and I went in my best fat girl swim suit and swam with the kids and I owned that shit like I actually owned it because its my body and I do what I want. Also apparently what I want is to use the wrong sunscreen and get burned all over my pastry white body. I meant pasty white but pastry seems more appropriate. Anyways totally burned.

2. Yesterday was a rough day but today I’m back in the game. Don’t lose focus on the things that matter. Like nachos and $2 well drinks at the bar. If can make it though natural childbirth and not lose my shit i can make it through anything. Seriously though some people shit when they have kids so that’s kind of a big deal for me moving on now.

3. 101 Dalmatians is kind of a terrible movie but also very telling about how life really is. Cruel people use innocents to make them stuff that they can use to show how much better they are than other people. Nice puppy coats everyone.

4. I never thought I’d make it a month without my electronics but I’m kind of proud I’ve made it without a phone a computer and a car for what seems like years. Aside from not being able to call and order pizza I don’t really need any of it.

5. I’ve decided to skip nursing school and become a mechanic. $490 for labor on a $100 part and that’s if it’s just something simple. $500 for 3 hours are you touching human brain holy crap. I’ll be one of those mechanic girls who just sticks screw drivers in her mouth and tries to look sexy saying stuff like “you need new ball bearings tiger.” No I won’t. I’ll be the one with the exposed buttcrack because that’s what frumpy girls do. We frump.

Dr. House plays a thug in the real movie 101 Dalmatians and now I can’t not watch it.

So much for my Jaws marathon.

Thanks for nothing Hugh.

shutupaubrey:

i’m funnier in real life but also uglier

(via sincerelyanyone)

I don’t think I’ve ever been as sad and miserable in my entire life as I am right now.

The saddest part about it is I don’t even know how to fix it.

My son has a girlfriend.

That is all.

Opinions are like assholes and I wax mine.

1. I don’t know what I missed today while I was out being a parent but good job high five hope you end up with triplets. You know what’s worse than an ugly baby? 3 ugly babies.

2. I realized today that people care more about how cute their kids are than how smart and involved they are. Sure you got that fish braid and fake eyelashes on your 5 year old. Can she read?

3. My favorite thing about going to Korea is I won’t have a car. The world could really benefit from everyone not having a car.

4. I don’t smoke pot because I don’t have any. I’d rather be high on MJ than the shit a Dr. Gives me.

5. Money is stupid and I hate that I stay where I am because I love my kids more than I love myself.

6. This post will self destruct as soon as I delete it.

You guys are adorable.

ryanjjohn:

You can have all of the parenting opinions you want.

It’s just that those of us who are actual parents will just kind of smile at you and pat you on the head and say “there’s a good boy. You just go right on believing what you say matters” while we go back to being actual parents.