A small list of things I have come to realize I love regardless of what other people may think about it. Except for my dad. Please love me dad. Bring it On. Dude. Jazz hands alone sells it. Chain letters that involve mailing panties. Never got a pair back but by god I’ve picked out more underwear than Fat Ricki Lake’s fingers. *Self tanner. Kind of as uncool as DJ Tanner before...
Someone just came to my door-
Someone employed by the housing development I live in, and told me that I really needed to work on the appearance of my front. I badly wanted to kick her in her ridiculously too small Lane Bryant cargo pants and white polo and tell her that she needed to work on the appearance of her front, but I just said- Sorry, I’ll clean that sidewalk chalk right up. First World Problems. Kids who...
I had an entire post written about people who need to be nicer, and people who hurt feelings, and people who don’t want to be your friend, and differences and tears and it got erased by my fat dumb feeling fingers who feel and I decided to not even attempt to rewrite it and just sum up all my feelings with a Mia quote: “You don’t have the same shoes that light up as me but we...
A few minutes a year and a half ago-
I posted a tweet that went something like: “My son said I wasn’t funny today I told him people on the internet think I’m funny, he said people on the internet think they can sing too. I’ve watched YouTube.” I think about that when the “people on the internet” hurt my feelings. You guys should try it
• Cosmo told me that being tan makes you look 10 pounds thinner. I am now tan and also wondering what the cast of Jersey Shore looks like in real life. • My husband got me flowers yesterday and I didn’t have to ask him to any dances to get them. • If 16 year old me could see me now she’d probably say you got a husband?!! • I got 3 very nice emails this week from people expressing...
I want to start a tumblr called “Fat chicks doing sad gymnastics”. It woud just be photos of me. I don’t know how to whistle. I used to talk in the voice of the crab on the little mermaid. All day long. “You don’t know why but you dying to try you wanna kiss de girl”. Charity learned how to swing tonight and when I said to pump her legs, she thought I...