July 2011
I see everyone posting photos of their prom
But I can’t post mine because my prom was ruined when a bunch of kids threw pigs blood on me and ruined my JC Penny dress I got for 13.99 and the corsage I made from toilet paper because I thought it was the same thing as tissue paper.
Actually my prom photos are still being processed by the FBI because the guy I went to prom with went to prison for murdering someone with a knife at a 7-11...
June 2011
My review/synopsis of Transformers 3: views...
Open on scene of Outer Space.
Remind people these events could (never) actually happen.
Flash to Victoria Secret model butt cheeks.
Make people forget Megan Fox is not in this movie. (1 deformed thumb down).
Robots.
Hot guy married to girl who pees her pants from Black Eyed Pees (play on words.)
Can we bring in that funny guy from The Hangover? No, not the one with the beard, the naked...
You make the angels cry: Truthful Tuesday
I am the original ugly crier. I make Renee Zellweger look Megan Fox pretty I’m so ugly when I cry.
I’ve quit everything I’ve ever had going for me that could have potentially been something that could have been awesome. I don’t know why I do this. I sabotage it all. On purpose. Probably because I look ugly when I cry.
The lady that did my nails did them way too long and...
How's that working for ya?
In lieu of being a horrible person who leaves so many people out, I hereby invite everyone of my followers to these mash-up parties that I will be throwing within the next 6-12 months/years depending on fundraisers and accompanying legal issues. I still need to run a few things past my lawyer.
My all you can eat all you can beat Pampered Chef/Sex Toy party. We make you hungry then we make you...
Guys. This is what I want you to read at my...
@ruthakers
followers: 13,621
following: 288
bitch because: like rob delaney, mostly tweets schtick about her fucking kids and how hard it is to be a mom, again one of the most fucked out things in comedy. It’s worse with her because she’s not actually a comedian just some random schizo-“elite”
With emphasis on that part about me NOT ACTUALLY BEING A COMEDIAN. I love Twitter.
1 tag
Things my kids have said today that might make you...
“You kids enjoy your movie”
“We will. We have lots of candy in our pockets.” -Charity.
“Why did you bite your sister?”
“She had some ugly on her face” -Mia.
“Mom. Can you put your credit card number into this box right here, I already filled out the name, address, and other required information. Don’t worry. It’s only...
1 tag
This could be the vodka talking,
but I’m a delicious beverage typically made from potatoes. ZING!
But seriously.
I heard that song Lighters, by that Bruno [Planet] fellow who I actually kind of really enjoy, and Eminem who, despite being kind of scary in a “I want to put you in my freezer and sing about how much I love you but I swear if you try and file for divorce I’ll make you regret it” kind of...
shame about your face
Listen up here’s the deal.
Every so often I find it necessary to let those who may have inadvertently stumbled upon this blog, be it via my highly successful web series “how to be a complete and total disappointment and bring shame upon your father”, or my profile over at www.perfect-papsmears.com (over 34 views), what it is I do, who it is I am, how you may know me, (the...
Freedom Friday I don't know. It made sense in my...
All the boys are leaving this weekend for a man trip, and once the cat gets his nuts removed it will be solely girls in the house and we plan on getting our nails done, going to see Cars 2, ordering pizza from Papa John’s, throwing the crusts on the treadmill and laughing at people who are exercising in the 96 degree heat. I love having 3 girls even if it means I’ll be forced to erect...
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There may be a few of you-
like 3 tops, maybe, who aren’t aware of my ridiculous inability to write tweets on twitter, and therefore typically rely on real life situations to write the 140 character or less things that I post.
I rarely talk about my twitter on here as it is a constant source of embarrassment and disappointment for me and my followers, (mostly by followers I mean family), but one tweet in particular...
Thursday Things:
The lady called to remind me that my cat was to not eat tonight because it would be having it’s nuts cut off tomorrow. (It’s nuts that Charity has decided are located behind its ears, as she gently strokes them and tells him they will be okay. It is so awkward. I have to put a stop to this), and as she was telling me about the process I looked at the cat who was sitting in the...
On being the youngest:
Me: Mikey, take this upstairs please.
Mikey: Aubree, take this upstairs for mom.
Aubree: Charity, take this upstairs for mom.
Charity: Mia, take this upstayhs for mommy.
Mia: (audible loud sigh) Why is there nobody left?!
ASDAKSFHAKDHFKASDHF-mert.
My cat is getting his nuts cut off on Friday for various reasons, and Charity overheard me tell the cat he was going to get his nuts cut off and now she follows him around the house all day asking him if he’s going to miss his nuts, and if he likes his nuts, and where are his nuts, and it’s just way too much utterance of the word nuts for my liking.
I stepped on the scale today and...
You guys do realize there are more Tuesday's...
Right?
I’m just kidding.
Post as many Truthful Tuesday’s as you want!!
I’m not here to judge you.
(yes I am. I’m totally here to judge you).
Also.
Every time the guy on Pawn Stars says “Period Piece”
I think “Hey! Come over after I’ve been wearing this tampon for 3 hours! “I’ll have a nice Period Piece I can show you!”
And...
3 tags
Things wot irketh and pisseth me right off.
Waiting 5 days for my new self magazine with Zooey D on the cover to come in the mail and finally giving in to the urge and going to Walmart and getting it because I had to know what cute workout Zooey D does utilizing birds and mice in her forest dwelling and coming home to find it in my mailbox. Mother Cuss.
Mia’s love of cheap Walmart clothes with princesses on them that last all of...
Truthful Tuesday Sams Club Can't handle me right...
This stupid medication makes diet coke taste hideodorous to me. I can’t drink it. It’s the worst/best thing that could ever happen to me. I’ve lost 7 pounds in a week, (probably bloating and sadness), and I drink more water than a fucking camel. I know this is a good thing, but diet coke has been a part of me for so long, it’s like saying good bye to a child. An acid...
conasabi asked: It never fails, whenever I see pics of you and your children I think, "That is one beautiful family!"
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Monday Musings
I am sick of Tumblr unfollowing people and when I realize it and I want to re-follow but I don’t want the person to think I am a total bitch-ski I feel like I should send a gift basket when I re-follow because bitches hate un-follows and love gift baskets. It rarely un-follows dudes. Clearly Tumblr is a menstruating female.
I wore my work out clothes to sleep in last night so I could wake...
2 tags
WatchCharity made you guys a video.
It’s short and cute.
Kind of like her.
(Spoiler alert. I’m in it too).
