July 2012
1 tag
June 2012
2 tags
HEED. PANTS. NOW.
To all the people reblogging that So I married an axe murderer thing, I watched that movie 5hunnit times growing up and I still yell at my kids to turn off the bay city rollers because the game’s about to begin. We don’t even watch any games.
I had a very weird conversation last night with someone that led me to the conclusion that not everyone thinks I’m as great as I do and...
Give it to me baby one more time after time.
I’d give anything for a pizza and a giant bottle of vodka. I’m settling for some peanut butter on a spoon and some water.
I’m watching Fight Club and then I’m going to try and go to sleep. Hopefully my bitch tits don’t prevent that.
Speaking of I things I wasn’t speaking about I keep Pottery Barn catalogs in my bathroom in hopes that someday somebody will be...
1 tag
A letter I am writing to myself because if I don't...
Dear Ruth.
Stop.
Remember when you were seven and you had a bloody nose from being a little idiot who picked her nose so much it would bleed at the most inopportune times and your mom kept saying if you pick your nose it is going to keep bleeding and your face will stay like that forever?
She was half right.
Your face did stay like that it’s a tragedy really, but you stopped picking your...
2 tags
1 tag
She didn't show her tits til she went legits.
I never want to eat anything as much as I do when someone says “Are you gonna eat that?” I wasn’t but I am now suckah.
I’m trying to keep my head from going places it shouldn’t. If it were a child I’d put one of those stupid backpack leashes on in and parade it around the mall. Thoughts and feelings are stupid. You don’t have to go home but you...
“I WAS IN MY ROOM ROCKING OUT AND I ROCKED OUT TOO HARD AND NOW I NEED TO LAY...”
– -CHARITY
Who has summed up my entire life in one sentence.
How to cultivate misery and continually hate...
The following is a series of well thought out and previously lived steps in order to condemn your existence to a state of nothing but an onslaught of misery and endless woe.
Steps may be done out of order but please note steps may not be done while smiling or relishing in all the things around you that are amazing and miraculous.
Compare yourself to everyone. It is important that you realize...
"The only person who hates you and thinks you suck...
I hate to admit when people are right, but they’re right. I think more about what’s wrong with me than anyone else. Sure hope I get my insecurity deposit back when I move out of my head. Might have to replace the carpet though. So it matches the drapes.
Sister Wives finale tonight!! I wish I had someone to come over and refuse to watch it with me because it’s a ridiculous show...
"There's a fine line between support and stalking....
I don’t have a stalker, I just find that quote to be true, which is why before I stalk people on the internet I tell myself what a huge supporter I am of their work. (most of them don’t have jobs).
It’s Midnight on a Friday and I’m knee deep in a Foreign Horror Movie marathon which started with Battle Royale and will probably end with Martyrs because I know I actually like...
Fievel Goeth West. He's going back to Cali Cali
I don’t do things for other people for the assumed assumption that they will one day do something for me and I don’t possess the necessary acumen to determine who the people are that I should never waste my desire to do good on, but I believe everything that goes around comes around and I’m gonna have so much good Karma and shit at my funeral apparently because none of it has...
If you think the best quality in me is your penis,...
1. If you preface your introduction to me with,; My name is blah but all my friends call me this really ridiculous adverb attached to a y, we both know you don’t have any friends.
2. I always feel horrible for the girl who has to play the unattractive one in reality shows. Like I was watching this restaurant show last night and they had a super hot chick and then a chick that actually knew...
1 tag
Things people do that I don't understand because...
Wash your swim suit every time you go swimming. Did you poop in it why are you washing it and drying it to get it wet again? Maybe I’m dumb.
Speed in front of people and end up at the same red light. Did you win? Are you the champion of the whole stupid street?
Tag me in photos on Facebook that I’m not in so I can see it. Don’t tag me as a plant I’m not a plant if I...
shellshokt asked: I've been following you for almost a year now and somehow I've never actually landed on your Tumblr page until today. I just wanted to tell you that your bio had me doubled over in a fit of hysterics, which is no surprise because ALL your posts are fucking hilarious. You are one of the funniest people on here and I just wanted to thank you for sharing.
2 tags
Bikini ready in 14 days. A Step by step guide to...
Day 1- Take all your clothes off and look at yourself in the harshest lit mirror in your entire house. If you don’t have one of these, my gym has one and I’m quite certain you have to be naked to be in the locker room anyways so don’t worry. Make sure you bend over a lot if you do use my gym. That’s in the contract I think. Remember this image.
Day 2- Try on your grossest...
We mustn't dwell... no, not today. We CAN'T. Not...
I will never understand why people force love where it no longer exists. It’s one thing to fight for it if you both want it, and cutting your loses too soon could prove to be a bad idea, but staying with someone for years because you don’t want to quit like you have something to prove when everyone is obviously miserable seems like a futile and ridiculous existence. Especially when...
2 tags
"I think we should not see other people" is how...
Jealousy is horrible, and I hate that I let it get to me. I don’t want to be you, I just don’t want you to be you either. Diarrhea splash.
I’ve been rejected for writing and for being fat, but I can honestly say the rejection for writing is the one that sucks the most. Call me names, just promise you’ll call me okay?!!
I found a plethora of photos of myself when I was...
