sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.

We mustn’t dwell… no, not today. We CAN’T. Not on Rex Manning day

  • I will never understand why people force love where it no longer exists. It’s one thing to fight for it if you both want it, and cutting your loses too soon could prove to be a bad idea, but staying with someone for years because you don’t want to quit like you have something to prove when everyone is obviously miserable seems like a futile and ridiculous existence. Especially when there’s no other parties like kids involved. Life’s too short to be miserable all the time. 50/50 is a good ratio. 
  • I woke up at 5:30 and have already cleaned my kitchen, soaked my feet in vinegar to remove dead skin cells, danced to Santigold in my kitchen, pissed off/got unfollowed by 30 people, written something I’m somewhat proud of, plucked my black chin hair, started dinner in the crock pot, worked out, cleaned my carpets and compared myself to 4 girls on Facebook with the final determined outcome being my kids are super adorable. It’s only 8:31. bring on Tuesday bitches!!
  • I hope to one day be as confident as some of you are. Or at least as confident as you want everyone to think you are when you blog about yourselves.
  • I don’t pay any attention to screen shots of iPhone conversations. I barely pay attention to the conversations I have with people. It’s nothing personal, I’m sure you are hilarious and witty and your banter would be great background noise to a Joss Whedon or Cohen brothers flick, but it’s the truth. I don’t read them. 
  • My kids are still asleep and I find myself under no obligation to wake them up early during the summer so they can walk around telling me how bored they are.  Not one of those people who prides myself on making my kids wake up early during the summer so they can “experience all that life has to offer” before 11am. Fuck that noise. I can appreciate my house being clean and nobody bugging me before 11am. We can wake up early when we’re dead. 
  • I bought a notebook the other day to write ideas in because there’s something about fresh paper and new pens that inspires me to write. It’s mostly just hearts and me practicing how I want to write “Ruth Winchester” when we make the sex and say I do but it’s a start. 
  • There’s a lady at the pool who I’ve taken to calling Senorita Spiders because she looks like she’s smuggling 1000 daddy long legs in her bikini bottoms and they are attempting to make a break for it and she’s there every single day and that probably sounds crass or something but you can’t not see it I know I’m sorry. No I’m not. 
  • I want you to want me. 

I went to rock and roll heaven, and I wasn’t on the guest list. 

But I can bet you I’m on the one for Rock and Roll hell. 

  1. sparkgrrl658 said: OMG SENORITA SPIDERS. this was both hilarious and awful, so there. and i’m with you on the iphone convos. similarly, stop reblogging the ‘texts from dog’ iphone convos…if i gave a shit i’d follow that blog, damn!
  2. mightyquinn72 said: Better.
  3. roothakers posted this