Bikini ready in 14 days. A Step by step guide to stepping out in style while fully proclaiming your hatred of Dubstep.

Day 1- Take all your clothes off and look at yourself in the harshest lit mirror in your entire house. If you don’t have one of these, my gym has one and I’m quite certain you have to be naked to be in the locker room anyways so don’t worry. Make sure you bend over a lot if you do use my gym. That’s in the contract I think. Remember this image.

Day 2- Try on your grossest dirtiest period panties and a nursing bra at the same time. If you don’t have a nursing bra just cut the nipple area out of an old bra that used to be white and appreciate what you see. You can only go up from here. Do some lunges while you do this. Take a photo at an angle that no human would view you at then filter it. This gives you an adequate representation of what you need to work on.

Day 3- Tell everyone on Facebook about your plan to go swim suit shopping. If you don’t have Facebook, send out a mass email because everyone you know is super concerned about this information and would be remiss if they weren’t kept abreast of your sagging breast situation.

Day 4- Eat a lot of chicken. It can be fried, or baked, it doesn’t matter.

Day 5 - Did you do the chicken thing? Because it turns out the fried maybe wasn’t a great idea, but it’s not too late to take some of those bloat pills or give yourself diarrhea. Don’t try on a swimsuit today. Keep it up gurl! We’re almost there!!

Day 6- Get an idea of what all the other girls are wearing on the beach by Googling Super Models in swimsuits. Everyone that goes to a body of water looks like this and it’s important to remind yourself that you don’t look anything like they do and that you never will. Being sad and having unrealistic expectations is a very important part of the swimsuit process. If you get sad enough, you’ll cry. This is water weight.

Day 7- We only have 7 days left and we haven’t exercised much so today it’s important to burn a minimum of 7000 calories which is 2 pounds. In order to do this you’re going to need to run for 4 hours straight at a 6 minute mile on a 10 incline. Some people might say this is insane and that you could be putting your body in danger. Don’t listen to them. Those people are professionals and this is an article on a blog written by someone with no experience in personal training whatsoever which means someone will pin this on Pinterest using a photo of a hot girl who is not at all affiliated with this piece and write “GREAT IDEAS” and then I will be famous.

Day 8- With one week left until the deadline you may want to consider getting tattooed with the name of someone from your past. And then getting it covered up with something hastily drawn by a tattoo artist who is based out of a strip mall. Bad tattoos are one of the key pieces to stepping out in style.

Day 9- Practice the hair flip that Ariel made famous in the critically acclaimed Disney movie “The 16 year old girl who desperately wanted a vagina” which was later changed to “The Little Mermaid” because people can’t take a joke and you can’t say vagina in a kids movie, but you can draw a penis on the cover of the box. Men love the hair flip. If your hair is short you can recreate the look with a towel or those replaceable mop heads they sell at the dollar tree. Men won’t know.

Day 10- It’s really getting close to the big reveal day and we haven’t yet done anything about our diet or exercise. That’s because it’s not Monday. You can’t start any type of healthy regimen or change your eating habits on any other day of the week. Might as well eat an entire box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese and then look up the girl your boyfriend/husband/partner just added as a Facebook friend. She wants to have sex with him and will likely do so within the next 24 hours so encourage him to delete her and make sure you repeatedly ask if she’s prettier than you, and if they still find you attractive. Men can’t lie when you ask them these types of questions.

Day 11- It’s time to hit the mall. Stop at Auntie Anne’s for a pretzel or 4. Ruth notes: If you haven’t been to church in awhile swing by Chick Fil-a and stand around until you feel uncomfortable. No sense heading into swim suit shopping feeling good about your life choices. If you want to jump straight to believing you’ve lost weight, head to Old Navy. You can pretty much wear a Medium there no matter what size you are and they have flip flops 27 pairs for $1. If you’re braver than most, try Abercrombie and Fitch. You have to ask a sales girl for whatever size you need and she’ll tell you to speak up because the people in the food court couldn’t quite hear you, but the smell will make you nauseated, and that can only help. Leave the mall with no swim suit but lots of that weird hand softening cream the guy at the kiosk adamantly refused to let you leave without.

Day 12- Pull out the same swimsuit you’ve worn since you gained weight. Try it on and wrap a towel around you. Adding bulk makes you appear smaller. Ask your partner if this makes you look fat. Keep asking until he says yes.

Day 13- Tell everyone you previously told about you buying a swimsuit how awful swimsuit shopping is. Get Facebook if you don’t have it to inform people you haven’t seen in years. They care deeply. Vow to look awesome next year at this time.

Day 14- Just fuck it and wear a t-shirt over your swimsuit. Nobody can see you when you do this and your tan lines will be perfect for all the photos your friends will ultimately tag you in on Facebook.

Congratulations. You’re a ~~horrible human being~~ woman who can’t get bikini ready in a completely unreasonable amount of time.

Fitness magazines thank you.