sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.
I am so over summer vacation. I’ve been to the pool every single day and exhausted my entire list of free things to do with my kids to keep them entertained. (It was just one thing locking the door after they went outside and screaming play outside it’s free!) Someone told me today when I asked if they found me at all humorous: “Like from a far away distance, yes”. It was hilarious to me. BECAUSE IT’S LIKE ASKING IF I’M PRETTY GET IT? I get the same answer when I ask my boyfriend if I’m pretty. I don’t have a boyfriend. People on Twitter take everything literally in the form of literally being used like it actually means and not how teenage faces use it. It’s 140 characters next to a photoshopped picture of my face. Even my picture is an illusion. Do you think my tweets are somehow different? My kids want to have a lemonade stand or something to make money to buy shit they don’t need to impress people they don’t like or whatever. But it’s garbage sauce because it costs me more money to buy the stuff to make the lemonade then they make in return. So I’m just gonna start giving them the money. I could be president. Not of anything important just like a small group of gullible people.  Every time I read something about how fat people are looked at as slovenly or disgusting or make less money or aren’t as smart or are less likely to get hired I get very visibly upset and red and sweaty and only half of it is due to being fat myself. I don’t know if that’s why I can’t find a job but I bet if they had to hire me before they met me they’d think I was awesome. Or at least worth $7.50 an hour plus tips. (I don’t get tips, I just steal condiments to take home).  have you guys watched that show mind games? It’s on Sunday night on some cable channel I actually get unlike HBO because I’m poor. But my kids love it. They tried some of the mind games tricks on me the other night and I actually figured out what they did because I’m 30 and smarter but it was still cute.  Okay guess I’m going back to the pool with my kids to play “planking in the water” or “drowning” I wish I could get drunk at the pool or at least release something dangerous and ultimately lethal into the pool water. Not like a turd or anything. A small pocket shark.  This place is the worst. 
  • I am so over summer vacation. I’ve been to the pool every single day and exhausted my entire list of free things to do with my kids to keep them entertained. (It was just one thing locking the door after they went outside and screaming play outside it’s free!)
  • Someone told me today when I asked if they found me at all humorous: “Like from a far away distance, yes”. It was hilarious to me. BECAUSE IT’S LIKE ASKING IF I’M PRETTY GET IT?
  • I get the same answer when I ask my boyfriend if I’m pretty. I don’t have a boyfriend. People on Twitter take everything literally in the form of literally being used like it actually means and not how teenage faces use it. It’s 140 characters next to a photoshopped picture of my face. Even my picture is an illusion. Do you think my tweets are somehow different?
  • My kids want to have a lemonade stand or something to make money to buy shit they don’t need to impress people they don’t like or whatever. But it’s garbage sauce because it costs me more money to buy the stuff to make the lemonade then they make in return. So I’m just gonna start giving them the money. I could be president. Not of anything important just like a small group of gullible people. 
  • Every time I read something about how fat people are looked at as slovenly or disgusting or make less money or aren’t as smart or are less likely to get hired I get very visibly upset and red and sweaty and only half of it is due to being fat myself. I don’t know if that’s why I can’t find a job but I bet if they had to hire me before they met me they’d think I was awesome. Or at least worth $7.50 an hour plus tips. (I don’t get tips, I just steal condiments to take home). 
  • have you guys watched that show mind games? It’s on Sunday night on some cable channel I actually get unlike HBO because I’m poor. But my kids love it. They tried some of the mind games tricks on me the other night and I actually figured out what they did because I’m 30 and smarter but it was still cute. 

Okay guess I’m going back to the pool with my kids to play “planking in the water” or “drowning” I wish I could get drunk at the pool or at least release something dangerous and ultimately lethal into the pool water. Not like a turd or anything. A small pocket shark. 

This place is the worst. 

  1. iamjustcara said: YES about the tweets taken literally
  2. yellowcakeuranium said: Sounds like you can open the lemonade stand and teach the young ones a lesson in a three letter acronym I call ROI (Return On Investment). If they can’t get a positive ROI, you put them into debt like a bank. Let me know if you need their legs broken
  3. sarkastickunt said: I would come to you with all my kids and then we could lock them ALL out of your house and laugh from inside as we drink vodka and watch reruns.
  4. roothakers posted this