sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.

Things people do that I don’t understand because I’m dumb or they are

Wash your swim suit every time you go swimming. Did you poop in it why are you washing it and drying it to get it wet again? Maybe I’m dumb.

Speed in front of people and end up at the same red light. Did you win? Are you the champion of the whole stupid street?

Tag me in photos on Facebook that I’m not in so I can see it. Don’t tag me as a plant I’m not a plant if I was I’d pick marijuana.

Throw your kids’ toys away as a punishment. Give them to some other greedy kids who won’t take care of them or donate them to the salvation army they don’t actually fight or anything.

Order stuff from a numbered menu and then change the whole thing. Can I get a #6 but with none of the stuff that it shows up there and all this other stuff instead? That’s not a number six and you won’t be a 6 either after you eat it.

Get tinted windows on a convertible. Hey cooly-yo I can’t see you through the window but I see you through the part of your car that’s missing.

Insist on telling me how long they’ve been soda or some other thing I’m currently eating or drinking free. I’ve been soda free for a year now. Oh you have great I’ve been lame-o free since I left this conversation. I love a diet coke washed down with ranch dressing are you off that too?

Get mad when a kid jumps into the pool and splashes water on them. Are you the green witch are you going to melt are you at a pool where there’s water and kids and you’re by the water move to Alaska or something.

Ask me if all these kids are mine. Yes they are and those ones over there too with those other people if you leave some sperm with me I’ll make a few more and they will be mine too. Has anyone intelligent ever asked that question?

Text and drive an ugly car.

  1. sparkgrrl658 said: wash your suit once in awhile, if you race ahead of me i always scream GOT REAL FAR DIDNT YA, don’t tag me in anything ever, and numbers are meant to SAVE TIME. conclusion: massive agreement with everything, the end.
  2. erinmargrethe said: Because chlorine fades my bright bikinis, duh, Ruth!
  3. meeegas said: the soda free one made me happy hahahaaa