sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.
Am I the only person on Tumblr not getting laid by someone else on Tumblr. It feels this way. That’s probably because Castiel and Dean don’t have Tumblr’s ooh sick burn.  I got a bunch of new people on here so I just want to give you a few little facts about me and you can decide if you want to stay or make like a fetus and head out. I’m just a bored unemployed woman who lives in Alabama and will probably live here forever because that’s usually how my life works. I say I’m a housewife but I don’t actually do anything to my house and I’m currently looking for a housewife for my husband.  I write for various online places like my blog and Facebook. I don’t get paid but I once got a shout out from a girl who stole my status update to make a someecard for her ex-boyfriend so the money really isn’t a big deal. I used to post photos of myself on the toilet all the time but one got re-blogged to a porn blog and I had to turn down a role in a made for TV movie about people with scat fetishes so now its just my face. My parents once had my IQ tested at a special school in Las Vegas it wasn’t because they thought I was smart, it was because I used to take my diapers off and paint things on the wall with the contents. I was 16.  I’m obsessed with SuperNatural and will likely rewatch the show again once I get time off from work. That was a trick fact I don’t actually have a job or a purpose.  I have 4 kids I don’t hide their faces or keep their names a secret and I talk about them sometimes if they do something worth mentioning but that’s very rare because they have my drive and personal sense of self achievement. I post a lot of motivational weight loss stuff that I steal from other people because I’ve never actually motivated anyone to lose weight or lost any myself.  I am a huge fan of Vodka and whenever I manage to leave my house for fun I allude to this love of potato beverage incessantly.  I love music and the money I save from couponing (stealing things at the self check out) I use to travel and see bands whenever possible. This is not a coupon blog but I have a coupon for a free song of choice played on the acoustic guitar from an ex that I dumped because he was horrible at presents and playing the guitar. I have a bachelors degree in visual communications and an associates in business so as you can tell I’ll never find a job in anything remotely related to my degree. I should have stuck with nursing but I can’t handle the sight of blood so getting my period is pretty intense.  I’m overall just a huge weirdo unlike Katy Perry who uses that word to describe herself and then looks all hot with her huge boobs and clothes made out of candy. That’s not a weirdo Katy that’s every little boys dream. Candy with boobs. 

Am I the only person on Tumblr not getting laid by someone else on Tumblr. It feels this way. That’s probably because Castiel and Dean don’t have Tumblr’s ooh sick burn. 

I got a bunch of new people on here so I just want to give you a few little facts about me and you can decide if you want to stay or make like a fetus and head out.

  • I’m just a bored unemployed woman who lives in Alabama and will probably live here forever because that’s usually how my life works. I say I’m a housewife but I don’t actually do anything to my house and I’m currently looking for a housewife for my husband. 
  • I write for various online places like my blog and Facebook. I don’t get paid but I once got a shout out from a girl who stole my status update to make a someecard for her ex-boyfriend so the money really isn’t a big deal.
  • I used to post photos of myself on the toilet all the time but one got re-blogged to a porn blog and I had to turn down a role in a made for TV movie about people with scat fetishes so now its just my face.
  • My parents once had my IQ tested at a special school in Las Vegas it wasn’t because they thought I was smart, it was because I used to take my diapers off and paint things on the wall with the contents. I was 16. 
  • I’m obsessed with SuperNatural and will likely rewatch the show again once I get time off from work. That was a trick fact I don’t actually have a job or a purpose. 
  • I have 4 kids I don’t hide their faces or keep their names a secret and I talk about them sometimes if they do something worth mentioning but that’s very rare because they have my drive and personal sense of self achievement.
  • I post a lot of motivational weight loss stuff that I steal from other people because I’ve never actually motivated anyone to lose weight or lost any myself. 
  • I am a huge fan of Vodka and whenever I manage to leave my house for fun I allude to this love of potato beverage incessantly. 
  • I love music and the money I save from couponing (stealing things at the self check out) I use to travel and see bands whenever possible. This is not a coupon blog but I have a coupon for a free song of choice played on the acoustic guitar from an ex that I dumped because he was horrible at presents and playing the guitar.
  • I have a bachelors degree in visual communications and an associates in business so as you can tell I’ll never find a job in anything remotely related to my degree. I should have stuck with nursing but I can’t handle the sight of blood so getting my period is pretty intense. 

I’m overall just a huge weirdo unlike Katy Perry who uses that word to describe herself and then looks all hot with her huge boobs and clothes made out of candy. That’s not a weirdo Katy that’s every little boys dream.

Candy with boobs. 

  1. ridingtohellinahandbasket said: No. I’m not getting laid, period. :(
  2. cranberryflags said: “Am I the only person on Tumblr not getting laid by someone else on Tumblr?” — [raises hand to indicate not *currently* getting laid either…]
  3. iamjustcara said: I’m not having sex with anyone on Tumblr ANYMORE. Someone else is hitting that now.
  4. michiganbell said: Your kids are freaking adorable!
  5. mis-undrstood said: I’m always so jealous of how well you write. That’s supposed to be a compliment. :)