If you think the best quality in me is your penis, we've probably dated.

If you think the best quality in me is your penis, we’ve probably dated.

1. If you preface your introduction to me with,; My name is blah but all my friends call me this really ridiculous adverb attached to a y, we both know you don’t have any friends.

2. I always feel horrible for the girl who has to play the unattractive one in reality shows. Like I was watching this restaurant show last night and they had a super hot chick and then a chick that actually knew what she was doing, but it was obvious she was supposed to be playing the part of the girl nobody wants to bone, maybe this story is about me I’m deflecting sorry.

3. Why do people you don’t know or speak to with 4 followers insist on telling you when they are unfollowing you? That’s like leaving in the middle of a Harvard graduation and yelling that you’re going back to community college. Get on with it. Hope you graduate at the top of your BMI class.

4. I’d be more likely to Skype with people if it wasn’t on a computer and it was in person and they were at a bar and I was drinking I guess I’m saying I hate Skype I look like a dolt and if I’m going to look fat and put makeup on let’s just actually hang out.

5. If I had to do the whole having kids thing all over again the main thing I’d change is not having them and their birthdays not all being in the same 3 month time period. Kids these days have birthday parties that rival my senior prom I’m not even kidding. Super fun a limo ride for your 5 year old are you getting a keg too what is her date wearing does the corsage match her dress??!!! When I was a kid we were allowed to invite 3 people over, we would blind fold ourselves while our parents talked about what kind of birth control they were all using and beat the shit out of a real pinata (not this crap where you pull the strings and the candy falls out one piece at a time) Someone would inevitably get hit with the bat but guess what they were too busy picking up baby ruth’s and butterfingers through a head wound with their chubby fingers to care. Aubree wants to have a pool party so I’m gonna fill up 4 plastic garbage cans with water and let the kids get inside. Post that shit on Pinterest.

6. It always cracks me up when people talk about women who aged gracefully and say I want to age like Demi Moore. Um you didn’t look like Demi Moore when you were 19 so what makes you think you’ll look like her when you’re 50 and falling apart? And by people I mean me. I say this every time I look at a US Weekly.

Thanks for all the comments on my lunch. It was 40 Weight Watchers points when I ate a pizza afterwards because it didn’t fill me up at all but I’m going to ride my insecurities really hard later so it’ll all work out.

Just another manic Thursday.