sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.

Fievel Goeth West. He’s going back to Cali Cali

  1. I don’t do things for other people for the assumed assumption that they will one day do something for me and I don’t possess the necessary acumen to determine who the people are that I should never waste my desire to do good on,  but I believe everything that goes around comes around and I’m gonna have so much good Karma and shit at my funeral apparently because none of it has come around yet. 
  2. People who resort to chicanery on Twitter irritate me. Aside from that I’ve noticed when I write something remotely dirty over there I get a lot of people who respond with they didn’t know I had it in me. Like because I have kids I can’t say dirty dumb stuff like every other person on there. Hey I had a penis in me 4 times, so you have no idea what I’m capable of. Probably lost most of my 1million moms against what ever it is they fight against, but oh well. My point is there are people way dirtier than me. Back off. 
  3. This sounds like a bunch of complaints but it’s not, my life is spectacular and even though girls can’t be funny or Dr’s, my girls keep me constantly entertained and that’s something I can be grateful for. I have roof over my head, air conditioner that I keep at 69 degrees and a coupon good for $1 off adult depends that doesn’t expire until 2013 so take that successful people!!! I mean take my passive aggressive blog rant dispensed in anger not my coupon. Greedy little bitches. 
  4. I stood outside my car today for half an hour because a wasp had gotten inside while I was running at the wood trail with my kids, and not one of my little wimpy kids wanted to throw something at it. Excuse me please why do you think I gave birth to and kept you? Not so I could get risk getting stung. Kidding. I had them so I could one day release their sex tapes and be richest worst mother of the year. I finally sprayed it with tire foam and it flew off but I bet it has some flossin’ rims now that stuff is like $7 a can. 
  5. I’m super jealous I can’t go to anymore tweet-ups ever again but I take great pride in knowing I still hold the record for girl so drunk and upset that no cab would stop and pick her up. They picked up Amanda covered in salsa puke and they wouldn’t pull over for me. I guess I am really ugly when I do the ugly cry. Have fun at your little party every one. 

If you need me I’ll be over here writing my column Easiest way to tell if your girlfriend is crazy (does she have a vagina, is she a girl).

I’ll be seein’ ya, hope not sporadically. 

  1. edgellace said: You’re coming next year to CHSH, if not then Brent totally needs to get this Vegas trip organized for all of us.
  2. thevitaminp said: This. This is winning.
  3. belleischrome said: I can’t believe you said vagina.
  4. dirtyblaxican said: You’re the BEST
  5. misterbillforeal said: No more ever? Por que?
  6. roothakers posted this