The following is a series of well thought out and previously lived steps in order to condemn your existence to a state of nothing but an onslaught of misery and endless woe.
Steps may be done out of order but please note steps may not be done while smiling or relishing in all the things around you that are amazing and miraculous.
- Compare yourself to everyone. It is important that you realize right now how much better everyone else is at life than you. Compliments are lies and nobody means anything they say at you. LIES. Again. All of them. Refute everything with an example of why you suck because you have someone telling you what makes you rad and they are obviously spewing vile filth through their straighter and much whiter teeth.
- Spend as much time as you can pointing our your flaws. Don’t just do it to people you know strangers love to hear it especially in the bathroom at the bar or Target. Don’t ever accept the fact you’ve come this far in life without failing so you are obviously a piece of crap. A piece of crap on top of old crap that nobody picked up. People love to hear you talk about how much you aren’t worth because this makes them miserable too. Their misery facilitates yours and you keep each other sad. Lose lose. And that’s what we’re going for here. Melancholy and the infinite sadness party of you.
- Google yourself once a day and add words to the end of your name to see what you can find. Examples are ” FIRST NAME LAST NAME IS SUPER HUGE FAT” “FIRST NAME LAST NAME IS SUPER DUMMY DUMB” “FIRST NAME LAST NAME IS INCOMPETENT” The more things you can think of to add to your name the better the chances you’ll find another idiot that thinks it’s true. I say another idiot because as we already covered before you think that these idiotic things so they could never be false. Don’t add positive words or phrases to the end of your name this isn’t Curves or a Norman Vincent Peale seminar. There is no power in thinking positive only happiness and that’s disgusting. Kind of like you are in a swimsuit.
- Whatever you do, complain about all the things you have the power to change but don’t make any attempts at all to change them. That’s called common sense and it isn’t ever welcome. We’re cultivating misery here. If you hate the way you look, look at yourself all the time when you wake up in bad lighting. If you don’t like your living situation, stay there and move more stuff in so it’s impossible to ever leave. Fat? KEEP EATING!! Sad. GET SADDER!!! This is your life here and it’s imperative you keep it going downhill forever.
- Your past isn’t behind you, it is the only thing that matters. Every single person from your past needs to be mentioned, thought of and brought into conversation every day. Don’t get rid of the stuff that keeps them a bad memory, USE IT AS WALL PAPER. Those photos of that guy who broke your heart? CANVAS SIZED OVER THE TV. Letters from your ex? PHONE SCREEN SAVER. There’s no sense moving on. These people thought little enough of you to walk out so clearly their opinion means much more than the people who stayed and are currently still around. Don’t even think about using a happy song as your ringtone. If it doesn’t make you cry when your phone rings, we aren’t really making the most of our stay unhappy forever campaign now are we?
- I’m not going to encourage you to set goals here because that’s just silly you don’t deserve that, but IF and this is a huge IF you decide to set goals, they better be completely unattainable and unrealistic. If you have to take baby steps one day at a time to get there it doesn’t belong in your foresight. We want to feel like crap and we need more fodder for this. Not losing 150 pounds in 2 days or writing a best selling novel in 3 days is unacceptable. So make those kind of goals if you must reach for something. It’s like I always say, “Reach for the sun, if you fall you’ll be in space where you can’t breathe and if you make it you’ll burn alive in its presence”. Reaching for the stars is not an option.
- Scientists believe that the happiest people surround themselves with family, friends, and things that lift their spirits. Here at misery incorporated we surround ourselves with people who make us feel bad and lots and lots of spirits. If someone makes you question your worth as a person you need to do everything in your power to continue subjecting yourself to this as often as you can. We aren’t going to be unhappy unless we give it our all.
- If at first you don’t succeed, give up because everyone who has ever created anything worthwhile brilliant, necessary or of monumental proportion did so on the very first try. Nothing that is worth doing will ever be done after the first attempt. Don’t bother. I’d tell you to ask the millions of successful inventors who spent years trying to get it just right and hours and hours of failures, but we aren’t trying to be inspired. Desperation is the name of this game. And we want to win (lose).
- Laughter is the key to a long and healthy life. Laughing at yourself can help you overcome feelings of worthlessness. Obviously I don’t even have to mention that both of these things are off the table. Stay away from those who may give you reason to laugh, and under no circumstances should you ever laugh at your mistakes and shortcomings. That stuff isn’t funny. It’s serious. We’re trying to be sad here.
- Lastly, I want to enforce the most important part of this 10 step process is to never forgive yourself for anything you’ve done wrong. You can’t expect to stay in the depths of despair if you let stuff go. Everything you’ve ever done wrong needs to be brought up whenever you start to feel like you’re a good person. Acceptance of your faults is not acceptable, and remembering that you’re human and will likely make lots of dumb mistakes before it’s all said and done is the kind of advice we’d find on the wrapper of a Dove candy bar after we’ve eaten the whole bag.
In conclusion I would like to remind you that these steps are garbage and have no business being part of anyone’s lives. Depression is very real. Allowing yourself to feel bad about who you are isn’t going to do anything but breed more of the same helpless feelings and every single person is worth something.
A lot of somethings.
Take each day as it comes and take into consideration what my Dr. once told me.
“You’ve got this.”
She then proceeded to point to a photo of genital warts.
I’m just reminding you, You’ve got this.
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You
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