sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.

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2nd Jul 2012 | 69 notes

I’d like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states.

In Alaska when the power goes out it’s so cold the only thing there is to do is have sex. Here in the lower 48 states when the power goes out it’s so hot I’d probably flick your dong off if you tried to have sex with me. I guess I’m saying I feel bad for everyone who has no power. But I’ve never been one to mince words.
Gary Sinise is in town for the 4th of July with his band the Lt. Dan band and I will run into him today or tomorrow if it’s the last thing I do. Unlike on CSI New York where running into him likely means it is the last thing I did. I wonder if he’ll do Forrest Gump quotes with me while we ride around in my convertible with our hair whipping in the wind.
Did you ever see that movie Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken with the girl horse diver who jumps in and then goes blind and has to learn to dive horses blind? I had a very similar experience in the pool today when someone shot water into my eye and rendered me temporarily unable to see. The results for me were not dearly as dramatic as in the movie of course but dude watch where you squirt that thing. (that’s what she said she being me).
I wish I could go to Snark or somewhere ever again. I hope all of you running around that big city remember what gloriousness I brought to it and by gloriousness I mean lying on my back in a dark corner of a rent controlled apartment stoop crying my eyes out because someone allowed me to partake of vodka gummy bears.
I have so many amazing roller derby names if they ever let me join one of those but today’s go to name is absolutely Vandilza Minnelli. I’m gonna introduce myself as that when I run into Gary Sinise later this evening.
I absolutely plan on dressing up like a school girl on Thursday and channeling my inner Cher Horowitz because that will be sexual and men can’t deny something that’s sexual. (they can’t right?)

I have to go take the trash down to the corner I asked my kids to do it but that last thing I need is them thinking I meant to take me down there.

My hair looks stupid.

This place is awful. It’s like The Sharper Image took a shit in here.