sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.

If you say everything happens for a reason and I kick you in your face, the reason is because you said that.

  1. That’s my most retweeted tweet ever and it makes me sad for humanity and me, but mostly me because I think at one point I was way funnier than that but maybe not I was dropped a lot as a baby. 
  2. On that note I truly think people come into your life for a reason and they leave for a reason. In my case, they come into my life because I’m awesome, and they leave because they are huge bitches. Confident am I in this observation. No other explanation for it. 
  3. Those stupid posters on Pinterest that people insist are motivational are dumb and confusing. What’s the difference between this hot chick with no clothes on and this other still hot chick with more flesh on her body. HARD WORK. Um. No I think the difference is like 30 pounds and some self tanner. Stop acting like you can’t work hard and still look like you ate a Dorito once. I’m happy you look like a cheese grater with your shirt off I look like I love cheese we can both still be fabulous. 
  4. I’m way more offended when someone says they unfollowed me on Tumblr than I am Twitter. Twitter is my dumb thoughts and Tumblr is my life. It’s my kids my goals my innermost brain workings, my songs, my photos of myself half clothed and my fat face. Those are all super highly important things to me. also boobs. 
  5. Lisa sent me OZ today and I’m going to watch it at the same time as Gilmore Girls. Like a palate cleanser. Prison butt sex/ adorable mom and daughter treading through life trying to avoid all it’s pitfalls/ prison butt sex. I really hope that becomes the number one term used to lead people to my blog. Anything to knock “Women on Toilet” down a notch. 
  6. I find women who post every single thing their kid does as a miracle to be mentally exhausting. I want to do the same thing but with my own accomplishments. Ruth took 3 steps today!! Ruth went poop in the potty!! Ruth slept through the night and rolled over twice!! Ruth figured out how to get out of her bed! Little trickster minx!! I get that you are proud but dude get a baby book or a video camera. Maybe just get a life and get off my lawn I’m too old for this shit. 
  7. I sound mean today. I’m not. Your kid is adorable I’m glad she shit in the toilet. I can barely manage that most days so go on about your bad self. I guess I’m bitter because I don’t feel good and I don’t own a storm trooper helmet. That. Is absolutely about to change. 

Someone asked me today if I ever worry that my dad or family members would stumble upon a photo of my boobs on the internet.

I said “I actually worry more that they won’t:(“

I really can’t understand why more people don’t have serious conversations with me…

  1. divergentone said: You are going to love “Oz”. Some of those men are so hot. Even if they are having butt sex.
  2. scarran said: lol
  3. jscottwilson said: You simply rock, is all.