sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.

I’d like to thank my parents for teaching me the importance of getting cable so my kids don’t talk to me.

  • I’m sick of one sided relationships. If I wanted to talk to myself I would do it when I go to the bathroom and pretend I’m accepting the award for mother of the year or for inventing something really important like brown toilet paper. 
  • I haven’t been able to go shopping in months and it makes me sad and stabby. If I don’t buy a pair of shoes once a month my vagina shrivels up and I have to feed it something. Like cheese.
  • So many people I know are getting married lately and I still remember when I got pregnant and then forcibly married. LOL good times. I wish I could have a wedding and get presents and wear a pretty dress but not be married. Maybe I just want to get drunk and have people buy me shit. I might be thinking of a baby shower…
  • People should get to vote on the spelling of your baby name and if 15 people think it’s stupid you should have to spell it normal okay Cerrah and Jessicuh? Whatever I shouldn’t say that it’s your baby name it what you want just realize if you name her Ruth people are going to call her Baby Ruth until she’s 30 and loses her shit in a Walmart candy aisle. 
  • Old people holding hands needs to be a blog. Is it a blog? There’s something about that that makes me so happy. I want that. I want my boobs to reach my belly button and his old balls to reach his knees and us to hold hands as we walk really slowly in front of people in a hurry at the store. Change each others diapers and stuff. Awh.
  • I once got drunk in a bar in Alaska and convinced a bunch of tourists that I worked for National Geographic and was hunting Sasquatch. I later tried to get Nat Geo to hire me but they asked me to please leave their offices immediately and to take my “evidence” with me. 
  • I went to the store to get toilet paper and forgot I had put a keratin treatment on my nappy hair so it looked like I had white cream all up in my hair but 3 boys said hi to me so it’s totally going to be my year. 
  • I was lamenting earlier that the internet was boring me today and then I realized what I said and hit myself in the tit with a flip flop and went outside to do something normal. No I just took my iPad out there but for serious Ruth the internet was boring you? Go flush your face down a toilet. 

  1. edgellace said: I love how you love old fuckers holding hands like I do. I swear I thought I was the only one, I’ve blogged about it like 2 years ago even. I go as far as almost stalking them when I spot a couple.