sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.

Just when I think you couldn’t possibly get any dumber, you go and do something like this, and completely redeem yourself.

  • I am not redeemed. I am a cotton headed ninny muggins and I hate so much that I let things and people that should NEVER get to me. Get to me. I wish I had saved the messages that Lisa sent to me before my phone self destructed because I need them right now and my brand new $45 GO phone that doesn’t even have the INTERNET on it is sad and I refuse to text on it. If you want to talk to me, you’ll have to drive to my stupid house. Sorry. Not sorry. 
  • Related. Go fuck yourself. 
  • My Mother In Law told me today I look skinnier than I have in years which is sad because that means she’s a liar too. Everyone is lying to me. It’s blue. The pen is blue. The G**damn pen is BLUE!!!
  • Charity giving me a hug and telling me not to cry because we can rock out was the highlight of my day.
  • I ran so hard and so fast this morning I think I almost pooped in my pants. That may have had more to do with what I ate for dinner last night than anything else. 
  • I got my tickets to De Luna fest for my 31 birthday and I am so fucking stoked to see Pearl Jam, Foo Fighters, and the other 70 some awesome kick ass bands. I don’t need you. I have music. 
  • I wish I could go to Snark. Or to any city that has a Target. I’m not picky. 
  • Today when I was standing in the AT&T store crying my eyes out 4 people asked me if I was okay and then when I went outside and sat on the grass and cried 2 guys pulled over and asked me if I needed a ride. one of them looked like someone I saw on America’s Least Most Wanted but the other one was a total Monet. My point is I hate this place, but the people are nice to me and that’s more than I can say for a lot of people I’ve let slither into my life. Yes I said Slither. You’re a cold hearted snake. Look into my eyes. Uh oh Fuck you. That’s a new verse. I wrote it. 
  • I can’t tweet or check my email from my phone so until I come up with $500 I’m going to gain so many new followers on Twitter. 
  • The dude at the store who looked at my phone must not be a meme junky because I was like “I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in and turning it on and off but nothing?.” All while standing there with it in 7 shattered pieces in my hands. I thought I was hilarious. I would have taken a picture but my new phone only has the kind of camera that makes me look like Casey Anthony in horrible light. 
  • For what it’s worth I read the entire book Needful Things today because the internet was too hard to be on from my computer. Kind of an Oxy Moron if I do say so myself. 

And I do.

Say So. 

Myself. 

  1. iamjustcara said: You’re welcome to come to MeMe. We even have a Super Target in Memphis.
  2. yellowcakeuranium said: Replacing the crystal you can do by yourself… youtube is full of videos to do it… should cost under $100 total…
  3. macencheeze said: Maybe she got new glasses