sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.
It is with great sadness and much contemplation that I tell everyone that I will no longer be writing my thoughts and daily misadventures on this blog for everyone to read:( I’ll just be writing them for everyone to lightly skim over and roll their eyes at my misfortune.  Guess how much I actually care about your internet break? None of the cares. None. Let me throw you a shower and get you a gift are you registered at TarGet the fuck out of my face?  I ate 3 pieces of pizza today and I feel like ralphing.  If you have a sign in your store that says “you break it you bought it” I feel sorry for the dude who broke your hymen and your heart. Is he making payments on those? I am the Tampax I speak for the trees who have a small part in those tampons you delicately shove into your lady lair.  My buns they don’t feel nuttin’ like steel.  I almost sent a text today that said How stupid can you possibly be? but then I realized they might take it as a challenge. There’s no I in self esteem.  Blogs are just like high school lockers for sad older people. You can put pictures, quotes, and inspirational sayings in them. Or just your lunch.  It’s weird to think that all the stuff in life that makes us feel better is stuff we put into our mouths.  I’m getting too deep I should go to sleep or go set fire to the rain and watch it not burn that Adele might be a good singer but her sense of how flame works is completely deluded. 
  • It is with great sadness and much contemplation that I tell everyone that I will no longer be writing my thoughts and daily misadventures on this blog for everyone to read:(
  • I’ll just be writing them for everyone to lightly skim over and roll their eyes at my misfortune. 

  • Guess how much I actually care about your internet break? None of the cares. None. Let me throw you a shower and get you a gift are you registered at TarGet the fuck out of my face? 
  • I ate 3 pieces of pizza today and I feel like ralphing. 
  • If you have a sign in your store that says “you break it you bought it” I feel sorry for the dude who broke your hymen and your heart. Is he making payments on those?
  • I am the Tampax I speak for the trees who have a small part in those tampons you delicately shove into your lady lair. 
  • My buns they don’t feel nuttin’ like steel. 
  • I almost sent a text today that said How stupid can you possibly be? but then I realized they might take it as a challenge.
  • There’s no I in self esteem. 
  • Blogs are just like high school lockers for sad older people. You can put pictures, quotes, and inspirational sayings in them. Or just your lunch. 
  • It’s weird to think that all the stuff in life that makes us feel better is stuff we put into our mouths. 

I’m getting too deep I should go to sleep or go set fire to the rain and watch it not burn that Adele might be a good singer but her sense of how flame works is completely deluded. 

  1. downtostars said: I love it when you quote Clueless.
  2. sparkgrrl658 said: sometimes i fall off tumblr for a few days or a week or whatever because OMG I JUST DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT OR I WAS BUSY. it required no prior announcement. i really can’t stand the attention whoring so…why do i like this place so much?
  3. thequirkyblonde said: Creepy graphic is creepy.