sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.
If you are new to this blog I apologize:( This is me and my face and my lemonade and my kid in the background because apparently you have to take care of them until they turn 8. What? I stay up late and text people who are already asleep and then fall asleep on the couch while I watch Chopped or refresh Facebook to see how many of the people I know have sick kids and diarrhea.  I’m almost 31 years old and I look like I’m 67.  My senior goal was to drive a mustang and marry rich. I met one of those goals.  Still hoping my next husband is rich.  I’m overweight and pretty much the epitome of everything a parent doesn’t want their kid to be but I once had an embarrassing story printed in a Teen magazine so I’m not a complete failure. I dyed my hair today and my insides died 13 years ago when I got married.  Feel free to ask me any questions you may have or donate to my pledgie for piece.  No I didn’t spell it wrong it’s a pledgie so I can order a pizza.  Fat girls love 2 things. And pizza is the only one that can’t break up with us.  Nice to meet you.  It’s your turn to meat me.  I mean.  Amen. 

If you are new to this blog I apologize:(

This is me and my face and my lemonade and my kid in the background because apparently you have to take care of them until they turn 8. What?

I stay up late and text people who are already asleep and then fall asleep on the couch while I watch Chopped or refresh Facebook to see how many of the people I know have sick kids and diarrhea. 

I’m almost 31 years old and I look like I’m 67. 

My senior goal was to drive a mustang and marry rich. I met one of those goals. 

Still hoping my next husband is rich. 

I’m overweight and pretty much the epitome of everything a parent doesn’t want their kid to be but I once had an embarrassing story printed in a Teen magazine so I’m not a complete failure.

I dyed my hair today and my insides died 13 years ago when I got married. 

Feel free to ask me any questions you may have or donate to my pledgie for piece. 

No I didn’t spell it wrong it’s a pledgie so I can order a pizza. 

Fat girls love 2 things.

And pizza is the only one that can’t break up with us. 

Nice to meet you. 

It’s your turn to meat me. 

I mean. 

Amen. 

  1. englishjg said: You gave me an idea! If I eat vegetable pizza then that’s a good thing, right? I mean, it’s still pizza but it’s veggies so I can pick them off and eat the pizza and no one is the wiser.
  2. cleapow said: Are you aware that I think you are the best? Because I do and you are.