sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.
I say alrighty then about 150 times a day. When I lose a giant fuck ton of followers I like to pretend they are just sperm and then I go and wash my face.  Charity is break dance fighting in my living room. Skymall magazines need more 13 year olds with booty shorts and an Abercrombie and Fitch right in the first 3 pages so you have to turn around because it smells so horrific.  I’m doing my best to go to Snark because I’ve gone to church for almost a month and I need a reward.  I got a fit bit today and I wore it for 6 hours and when I went to see my progress it said hahahahaha fatty. I need to move more and eat less. Also move away from here more and eat crow less.  I drank the kool-aid once but all I got was a kool-aid mustache and a spit bath.  I need a blind lover. He could give me everything I ever wanted and wouldn’t have to be subjected to my face.  I call em like I seem em but they always give me the wrong number. Reese’s Feces would be a horrible name for a candy. 

  1. I say alrighty then about 150 times a day.
  2. When I lose a giant fuck ton of followers I like to pretend they are just sperm and then I go and wash my face. 
  3. Charity is break dance fighting in my living room.
  4. Skymall magazines need more 13 year olds with booty shorts and an Abercrombie and Fitch right in the first 3 pages so you have to turn around because it smells so horrific. 
  5. I’m doing my best to go to Snark because I’ve gone to church for almost a month and I need a reward. 
  6. I got a fit bit today and I wore it for 6 hours and when I went to see my progress it said hahahahaha fatty. I need to move more and eat less. Also move away from here more and eat crow less. 
  7. I drank the kool-aid once but all I got was a kool-aid mustache and a spit bath. 
  8. I need a blind lover. He could give me everything I ever wanted and wouldn’t have to be subjected to my face. 
  9. I call em like I seem em but they always give me the wrong number.
  10. Reese’s Feces would be a horrible name for a candy. 

  1. loquemehacesonreir reblogged this from roothakers
  2. whitechocolatesuperstar said: I hope you can make it to Snark!!!
  3. thejoebiz said: you post things like a boss