sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.
not a day goes by that I don’t log onto the internet and say this to myself.  sometimes I really like what “the internet” does for each other. When we aren’t unfollowing each other or posting photos of our shit shooter we’re kind of a delightful little place to be.  Nobody has a crush on me. This list is bullshit.  That’s what I say when I see a list that I’m not on.  I am on the list of people who are not allowed back at like 4 bars in Alaska but those were different times.  I will be at CHSH and I will be sleeping with everyone I slept with last time. You know who you are.  Tonight is my friends birthday and we are gonna go have a few drinks and I will wear a skirt and my ugly scab leg will show and I will give zero fucks because the only thing worth sleeping with in this town is the fried foods.  What kind of lighting does Target use and how can I get it installed in my house. I took a photo there the other day and I was like damn gurl I’d hit it. It was a photo of someone else, not me. Obviously.  I got a letter today telling me if I deposited $20,000 into my checking account they’d give me $1000 free. HAHAHAHA. if I had $20,000 I’d have perfect fake breasts and a flat stomach. $20,000. Hilarious.  The lady at the gas station officially hates me. She has hired like 6 people since I’ve been applying for jobs, and after she called me pregnant, I think she decided sabotage was the only way to go. Whatever. I don’t want to work with someone who thinks I’m pregnant anyways. Trying to throw me a baby shower and asking me about names and shit. Nope. I’ll just be jobless thanks. I always try to remember what I’m allowed to say and not allowed to say so I don’t offend people and then I remember that I can’t please everyone and men can’t pleasure me and then I log off the internet and eat some fried chicken.  I never said I had it all together, but together we have it all.  JK. Together we have crippling amounts of debt and years of infidelity. We are the married people of America.  I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR. 

  • not a day goes by that I don’t log onto the internet and say this to myself. 
  • sometimes I really like what “the internet” does for each other. When we aren’t unfollowing each other or posting photos of our shit shooter we’re kind of a delightful little place to be. 
  • Nobody has a crush on me. This list is bullshit. 
  • That’s what I say when I see a list that I’m not on. 
  • I am on the list of people who are not allowed back at like 4 bars in Alaska but those were different times. 
  • I will be at CHSH and I will be sleeping with everyone I slept with last time. You know who you are. 
  • Tonight is my friends birthday and we are gonna go have a few drinks and I will wear a skirt and my ugly scab leg will show and I will give zero fucks because the only thing worth sleeping with in this town is the fried foods. 
  • What kind of lighting does Target use and how can I get it installed in my house. I took a photo there the other day and I was like damn gurl I’d hit it. It was a photo of someone else, not me. Obviously. 
  • I got a letter today telling me if I deposited $20,000 into my checking account they’d give me $1000 free. HAHAHAHA. if I had $20,000 I’d have perfect fake breasts and a flat stomach. $20,000. Hilarious. 
  • The lady at the gas station officially hates me. She has hired like 6 people since I’ve been applying for jobs, and after she called me pregnant, I think she decided sabotage was the only way to go. Whatever. I don’t want to work with someone who thinks I’m pregnant anyways. Trying to throw me a baby shower and asking me about names and shit. Nope. I’ll just be jobless thanks.
  • I always try to remember what I’m allowed to say and not allowed to say so I don’t offend people and then I remember that I can’t please everyone and men can’t pleasure me and then I log off the internet and eat some fried chicken. 
  • I never said I had it all together, but together we have it all. 
  • JK. Together we have crippling amounts of debt and years of infidelity. We are the married people of America. 
  • I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR. 

  1. deathbycex said: Best post EVER.
  2. girl-detective said: You always have the best movie quotes :)