I’m a new man Darlene, prison and rehab have changed me, and all these blankets saved my life

My kid broke an iPad mini today no I don’t want to discuss why a 5 year old is still being allowed to hold electronics that cost more than her entire birth and hospital stay and in Googling insurance to repair the shit your kids have ruined I failed to find any coverage for my vagina, my body, or my life. I can get a new iPad screen for $125 and I can probably get $100 for Mia on eBay if I offer to expedite her with free shipping.

Book deals are apparently the new 6th grade boyfriend and much like 6th grade I’m not popular, I don’t have rich parents and most importantly my talents haven’t developed yet (by talents I mean breasts).

I am supposed to be going out of town soon to do what I do best. Run away from my problems and cavort with close friends. Cavort means get drunk and cry right? In true Ruth fashion whenever I look forward to something, shit hits the fan or the pregnancy test ends up positive. I can make it work. I always do. Unless it is a job. Haven’t gotten that to go anywhere but down.

Biggest Loser has jumped the shark. If you want a TV show where a crazy lady yells at people to get out of her face and the climax involves someone crying on a scale you guys would love what goes on at my house every day.

My girlfriend wants to get tattoos this week and I think I have decided on either “We all float on” or ” In Spe” which is latin for in hope. The more I think about it we all float on sounds like something a sewer clown would say and I think I just realized why I suck at getting tattoos. I need a life coach. Or a life couch. Maybe just a time out on the couch.

I’ve admitted to myself finally that my son is great at lots of things but basketball isn’t one of them. If it was a track meet, or a contest for the next contestant to wear the Statue of Liberty costume outside tax preparation places, we’d be gold. He just runs up and down the court waving his arms at people he thinks might be interested. He’s smart though so we’ll shoot for an IT job.

But seriously you guys know people hold their kids back so they can play against younger kids and look better at sports? It was a huge deal when I was in high school in the South and it’s apparently still an issue according to some of the coaches. Gotta love being paid millions of dollars to shoot a basketball and a few thousies to enlighten and mold young minds.

Sorry that’s my empty Tide box.

I’ll just take that on my way out.

You know I suffer the same temptations you do. Sometimes when I’m lyin’ in bed, I ache for a man’s touch… and by a man’s touch, I mean a penis in my vagina.