sarc.

I am a 30 year old mother with 4 successful, yet equally disgusting vaginal births to my credentials, and despite giving birth in my teens I neglected to sell my baby, I mean story, to MTV. I use to have all 10 episodes of Friends on DVD but I just sold them in a relatively successful eBay auction and offered free shipping which tells you a lot about my personal belief system. I look really good photoshopped and in the dark and my kids say my best quality is when I am not around. I volunteer my spare time on Social Media Studies where I study the reactions of what people think of all the dumb things I have to say. I am not a vegan but I am friends with a girl who has a tomato plant and I always slow down so my kids can say "LOOK! A COW!" when we drive past a large open field. I enjoy long walks from my couch to the fridge, spending time pretending I don't have a family and reading the classics. The classics is what I call Teen Vogue. I am almost graduated from online college and when I finish I would like to forget that I owe $15,000 in student loans and head down that weird patch of dead grass behind the mall and wait to apply for a job with the traveling carnival. I am a photographer in my spare time, which just means I bought an expensive SLR camera once and forced my friends to pose while I took their pictures, and I've also traveled the world. (it's just America). If I win I am going to do whatever I can to put hurricane machines in the cafeteria, and have Taco Bell catered in at lunch time.

When I met you, you were nothing. Out on the street doing underpants stuff for soup money.

 1. Sometimes, very rarely mind you, but sometimes, I read the conversation posts and I get to the bottom and I want my seconds back. Are these real conversations you are having with people or are you guys just trying to give me something to do with my already wasted time? 

2. I can always tell I’m looking less Charlize Theron in the movie Monster than usual when someone under the age of 50 acknowledges my existence in the form of speaking to me. “Hey lady, you like Rage Against the Machine?” Yells the kid in the Oakley tri colored shades from the driver seat of his Durango. I was listening to Rage while you were more than likely still shatting in your Osh Kosh B Gosh’s. Also who you calling lady?

3. I really should have been a detective with the amount of stuff I am forced to deduce on my own when you guys don’t tell me everything I want to know. I’m like a less attractive, not nearly as vindictive Veronica Mars. Also no Logan. Sadface. 

4. My cardiologist gave me a recommendation for some metabolism boosters that were natural and might help me not die like all the diet pills on the market are trying to do to me and I took one today and after i got done feeling like I could fly I ate a 6 inch sub and fell asleep on the toilet. OKay no I didn’t. It felt pretty okay and who knows maybe it will help or maybe my Dr. is a liar and I’m still going to be fat guess we’ll see. 

5. I really wanted to strangle the owner of this adorable little dog today who left him inside the car with the windows up. I waited outside the truck for a few minutes when it was really hot outside and then I told a police man because he looked really lethargic like I don’t have a dog but I imagine if I left a kid in the car on a hot day with the windows rolled up someone would have something to say about it. 

6. I think tonight is going to be Wreck it Ralph, some family board games, maybe a pizza delivered in while we all laugh and share stories of the week that just finished. Or I’ll probably put on a movie, close the door and pretend nobody exists but me while I search for Supernatural gifs on the internet. It really doesn’t get more matronly than me. Let me tell you what. 

What.

  1. sparkgrrl658 said: most conversation posts vary between “enhanced” and “totally made up.” otherwise they are boring as fuck and only interesting to the two people involved which defeats the point of posting. still better than the staged text message posts tho.