sarc.

The difference between Steve McQueen and Stephen King is the book is usually better than the movie.

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:53:12 -0400

1. All my friends are drunk and asleep. Maybe I need sleep hypnosis or maybe I need new friends?

2. Your relationship isn’t a used car and you don’t have to try and sell it to anyone, let alone everyone. Do us all a favor and put a fucking scented tree in it and enjoy it while it lasts.

3. The only relationship I’ve ever been in that hasn’t left me sad is the one that left me with high blood pressure (the one I had with ramen noodles).

4. My son has officially decided he’s a teenager and he no longer needs me. 3 days ago he was asking me to wash his cargo shorts and today he’s embarrassed by me at the pool. In his defense I am a real life depiction of a cream filled donut in human fleshy form.

5. Relationships are like screened Taco Bell employees, the younger they are- the shorter they last.

6. I’m doing a good job of getting rid of shit, packing, not losing my mind and remembering to cry when I need to. The next 3 years are going to determine if I end up like Robert Downey Jr. or Charlie Sheen.

I got this*

*this is just a coupon for 2 1 topping large pizzas and a liter of Pepsi.

(There’s 2 things I will never do.

My husband.

And Pepsi.)

Heaven help us all…

Sat, 25 May 2013 17:55:15 -0400

Heaven help us all…

allyssumdays: Everyone has rolls when they bend over. Everyone....

Sat, 25 May 2013 16:35:00 -0400

allyssumdays:

Everyone has rolls when they bend over. Everyone. Lets just get this out of the way right off the bat. In the last few months, I’ve had over 30 women ranging from rail thin to extra large naked in my bed and I would routinely ask them to hug their knees. You won’t believe this… ALL OF THEM HAD TUMMY ROLLS. Not one was exempt. Even my super fabulous professional model 6 foot tall and some amazing Katie had rolls. The stomach pictures turned into some of my favorite images from the project… so quit thinking they’re bad, and try accepting (dare I say embracing?) yours!

When people say “you’re gorgeous”, believe them. I tend not to, and it’s a cryin’ shame. When people genuinely compliment you, it’s because they really see it. Try to not dismiss their perspective as wrong and assume that you know better. They see all of you. We see our flaws. Believe them.

“Arm flab is embarrassing.” No its not, go fuck yourself. No, not you. The people who tell us that, silly.

You’re not stunning despite your body. You’re stunning because of your body. There is a distinct difference. I grew up in a culture that would deem “unattractive” women as “special spirits”. A degrading categorization that implied that the only thing worthwhile was whatever was inside. Well, yeah. We are all much much more than our bodies, but our bodies are a beautiful part of us too. Beauty comes from the inside AND the outside. I am of the firm belief that every person is beautiful, and so this leaves the inside to be the part that is the most telling when it comes to true “beauty”.

A guy can pick you up off your feet, and it won’t break his back. “Wait, whaaaaaa Jes? You’re full of shit.” Nope. This just happened to me for the first time in… six years? I’m considerably heavier than I was 6 years ago (like… 70 pounds heavier) and so when I ran up to my friend Eric for a hug and he picked me up with my heels in the air… it left me breathless. I had forgotten that it was possible; I had accepted a life void of being lifted. So exhilarating. Eric didn’t suffer any injuries and walked away unscathed.

You don’t need to exercise every day in order to feel better about yourself. Many believe that someone who’s fat needs to exercise as much as possible in order to prove that they’re committed to becoming “less fat”. As if accepting one’s body as is would be a sin, and that’s just silly. Yes, exercising has wonderful physical and mental benefits, but you don’t owe it to anyone else to make an effort to change your body unless you wanna. You do not have to alter yourself to be okay. Period.

You’re allowed to fall in love with yourself. I promise. This will be the scariest thing you will ever do, and that’s okay. It will also be the most amazing (albeit super gradual) experience you will ever have. It doesn’t make you narcissistic. It doesn’t make you vain. It is liberating in every form of the word.

It’s also okay to have days where you don’t love yourself. Read this. No really. Read it. And then realize that we’ve grown up learning and internalizing that we are not okay our entire life. For me, that’s 26 years of self-hate indoctrination and brainwashing. It’s going to take a lot longer than you think to reverse this thinking, and it’s definitely not going to happen overnight. Allow yourself to have “weak” days. Cry, mourn, sob, yell, throw things. Whichever. Then get up, brush yourself off, give the media the finger, and move forward because you’re a warrior.

Everyone’s boobs are uneven. If you have a lot of boobs, they might be way uneven. Don’t stress. This is totally normal.

There are people who prefer large ladies. And I mean all sizes of large. I thought that my best bet in life was to find a partner who accepted my fat. Pause. Give me a minute to hang my head and shake it at myself. Not only are there people who adore “thick” women, but a LOT of them who prefer it. This eventually ends up in an interesting territory which Marianne talks about here, but the point that I’m trying to make goes back to the “despite vs because of” argument. Here is what you need to know: you do NOT need to settle for a lover who is “okay” with your body. You have the right (and millions of opportunities) to find someone who is infatuated with your body. You deserve to be worshiped, woman!

Fat chicks bang hot guys… ALL. THE. TIME.I know that hot is relative and all inclusive depending on who you chat with, but for these purposes, lets talk about the “universally attractive” kind of hot. Y’know, the kind fat chicks don’t deserve? We want to pretend that we don’t know what I’m talking about, but lets be real; we totally do. The fact that “fat chicks bang ‘hot’ guys” was one of the most powerful realizations I’ve had thus far. In line with the above paragraph, I knew that there would be someone that would find me attractive but the pool would be small (because of my body) and potentially full of guys I didn’t personally find sexy. So I would have to settle for anyone that would take me. After all, how could a conventionally gorgeous man (tall and with tattoos of course) like fat chicks? Weh-he-hell, let me tell you somethin’: through various sites, events, parties, and corner store meetings, I found myself with over a hundred men who were champing at the bit to get with this. I was the one who had to sift through and pick the hottest of the hot. Ladies, over a hundred. “Girls” showed what society thinks about that when Hannah’s character has a weekend romance with an attractive and wealthy doctor. People flipped their shit. “Patrick Wilson is so hot he would never do Lena Dunham” was the most eye catching. Wilson’s wife responded to that rubbish here, but the tweet speaks volumes about what the majority of people think unconventional women deserve. Jesus christ, it’s annoying. I won’t spill the details of my bedroom coming and goings, but lets just say this: the hottest guys in Tucson and I get along just fine. I would recommend reading Emily’s article on xoJane for a better explanation of what I’m struggling to say. Know this: the myth that “atypical” bodies can’t be paired with “typically attractive” bodies is false. Women need to know that all bodies can be paired with all bodies.

Riding during sex will NOT collapse his insides. Just trust me on this one, what you fear is totally false. Here’s a great article that changed my life.

Wearing whatever you want is a political statement. Join the revolution. Throw style rules out the window. Wear the tutu. Wear the horizontal stripes. Wear the turquoise skinny jeans. Wear the see-through blouse. Wear the bikini. Wear the sweat pants. Wear the shirt that says “Does this shirt make me look fat?”. Wear whatever it is that makes you happy. This is your life.

You are fucking beautiful. I’m saying this with a straight face and seriously meaningful look where I maintain eye contact for an uncomfortable amount of time. I know you don’t feel like you fit into the category of gorgeous that our world creates. I know that its hard. I know that its a daily battle. But fuck their fascist beauty standards. The second you stop looking for a skinny model in your mirror and start looking at YOU… is the second you will start to appreciate what you are. Stop looking for flaws. Stop looking for differences. You are perfect. You are more than enough. You are the best thing that has ever happened to you. And you are fucking beautiful.

Say it with me.

itsasongaboutwantingyoudead: Cheese is so amazing. Pretty...

Sat, 25 May 2013 11:17:44 -0400

itsasongaboutwantingyoudead:

Cheese is so amazing.

Pretty much.

Photo

Fri, 24 May 2013 23:30:37 -0400

Do the words Billy don't be a hero mean anything to you?

Fri, 24 May 2013 23:03:47 -0400

1. The pool opened today and I went in my best fat girl swim suit and swam with the kids and I owned that shit like I actually owned it because its my body and I do what I want. Also apparently what I want is to use the wrong sunscreen and get burned all over my pastry white body. I meant pasty white but pastry seems more appropriate. Anyways totally burned.

2. Yesterday was a rough day but today I’m back in the game. Don’t lose focus on the things that matter. Like nachos and $2 well drinks at the bar. If can make it though natural childbirth and not lose my shit i can make it through anything. Seriously though some people shit when they have kids so that’s kind of a big deal for me moving on now.

3. 101 Dalmatians is kind of a terrible movie but also very telling about how life really is. Cruel people use innocents to make them stuff that they can use to show how much better they are than other people. Nice puppy coats everyone.

4. I never thought I’d make it a month without my electronics but I’m kind of proud I’ve made it without a phone a computer and a car for what seems like years. Aside from not being able to call and order pizza I don’t really need any of it.

5. I’ve decided to skip nursing school and become a mechanic. $490 for labor on a $100 part and that’s if it’s just something simple. $500 for 3 hours are you touching human brain holy crap. I’ll be one of those mechanic girls who just sticks screw drivers in her mouth and tries to look sexy saying stuff like “you need new ball bearings tiger.” No I won’t. I’ll be the one with the exposed buttcrack because that’s what frumpy girls do. We frump.

Dr. House plays a thug in the real movie 101 Dalmatians and now I can’t not watch it.

So much for my Jaws marathon.

Thanks for nothing Hugh.

shutupaubrey: i’m funnier in real life but also uglier

Fri, 24 May 2013 15:53:25 -0400

shutupaubrey:

i’m funnier in real life but also uglier

GPOY

Fri, 24 May 2013 06:25:28 -0400

GPOY

I want to be here right now.

Fri, 24 May 2013 04:15:50 -0400

I want to be here right now.

Fri, 24 May 2013 02:13:51 -0400

I don’t think I’ve ever been as sad and miserable in my entire life as I am right now.

The saddest part about it is I don’t even know how to fix it.

Photo

Fri, 24 May 2013 01:42:42 -0400

Photo

Fri, 24 May 2013 00:31:54 -0400

"I find that most people worth knowing are fucked up in some way or another."

Thu, 23 May 2013 23:58:49 -0400

“I find that most people worth knowing are fucked up in some way or another.”

- Jonathan Tropper (via wethinkwedream)

Thu, 23 May 2013 15:46:24 -0400

My son has a girlfriend.

That is all.

Opinions are like assholes and I wax mine.

Thu, 23 May 2013 15:33:58 -0400

1. I don’t know what I missed today while I was out being a parent but good job high five hope you end up with triplets. You know what’s worse than an ugly baby? 3 ugly babies.

2. I realized today that people care more about how cute their kids are than how smart and involved they are. Sure you got that fish braid and fake eyelashes on your 5 year old. Can she read?

3. My favorite thing about going to Korea is I won’t have a car. The world could really benefit from everyone not having a car.

4. I don’t smoke pot because I don’t have any. I’d rather be high on MJ than the shit a Dr. Gives me.

5. Money is stupid and I hate that I stay where I am because I love my kids more than I love myself.

6. This post will self destruct as soon as I delete it.

You guys are adorable.

Thu, 23 May 2013 15:26:14 -0400

ryanjjohn:

You can have all of the parenting opinions you want.

It’s just that those of us who are actual parents will just kind of smile at you and pat you on the head and say “there’s a good boy. You just go right on believing what you say matters” while we go back to being actual parents.

38 moms volunteered for water day today at Mia’s...

Thu, 23 May 2013 15:03:33 -0400

38 moms volunteered for water day today at Mia’s school.

37 moms stood around in designer flip flops and blown out hair gossiping about dancing with the stars and screeching at the very idea of touching water.

1 mom wore shorts and a t-shirt and rolled around in mud, covered herself in shaving cream, threw water balloons with kindergarteners and left soaking wet with 150 little kids congratulating Mia on her cool mom.

Am I the skinniest/prettiest/best mom ever? No.

Am I good mom?

Hells yes.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go take a shower.

Ruth-1

People who talk about me behind my back- 0

This is my favorite picture of me someone has ever taken. Yes...

Thu, 23 May 2013 09:55:37 -0400

This is my favorite picture of me someone has ever taken.

Yes I’m fat and have weird arms, but I’m cute and funny.

Someone adopt me.

Please and thanks.

Welcome to my Dean Winchester appreciation blog. Not sorry.

Thu, 23 May 2013 09:45:54 -0400

Welcome to my Dean Winchester appreciation blog.

Not sorry.

Photo

Thu, 23 May 2013 09:44:52 -0400